I have briefly touched upon abuse that goes on in the occult, especially against women. I want to delve further into the abuse in the occult. This article is useful for identifying red flags regarding covens and other magickal/religious groups.
I have mentioned before that I was trained for a short period of time in a Wiccan temple. I understand the dedication and hard work that goes into traditional rituals. I also understand, now that I am wiser, the difference between ritual abuse and devotion to one’s coven. I was going to include some anecdotes, but decided that it would violate the privacy of others, so I am only listing red and green flags. I will most likely release another article on how to spot individuals, especially those attempting to be magical partners, that express abusive and dangerous behavior.
Warning: There is graphic and adult subjects discussed, and it may trigger some people. This article is for educational purposes, and is not meant as legal advice – though any illegal activities should be reported to your local law enforcement authorities.
List of Red Flags
This summary is going to be a list of red flags for covens and occult organizations. These are not necessarily my experiences, but also my observations.
Sexual Abuse. If you are asked to participate in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, or can only participate nude but don’t want to – immediately leave. If you know of a coven allowing and engaging in sexual activities with children (ALL persons under 18 are children by law) then you need to leave and report it to the authorities. If you see that members are trying to bully a member into sexual acts, or nudity, you need to speak up, or leave and tell the authorities. It is not ‘religion’ or a ‘private party’; these are crimes and should not be enacted within any coven. If a coven is into being skyclad and engaging in sexual activities all members must consent and be of legal age. Coercing and forcing members into sexual situations is RAPE and illegal!
Also, beware covens where a specific gender has all the power – and the “altar” is a person of their sexual preference. Usually the person chosen as “the altar” is one that the leader desires. It is not uncommon for a ‘leader’ to use the excuse of religion to have sex with someone that would not normally engage in sexual activities with them. This goes hand in hand with emotional abuse – as great power is promised, but it’s about the leader or clergy’s ego and desires.
Allows Underaged Members. I personally do not feel anyone under 18 should be involved with religion, especially when it involves disciplined training and sexual activities. Sixteen is not old enough to make serious choices and to be exposed to adult themes. That may seem puritan until you realize Gerald Gardner said only “Maidens” can be High Priestesses, which is why traditional Wicca allowed older men to have sex with fourteen year old girls. Even some traditional Dianic covens allowed sixteen year old girls to participate – this is pedophilia. Allowing children to attend private rituals can turn into an ugly legal problem.
I would also like to add that those under legal age of 18 do not usually have the capacity to learn, understand, apply, and/or have the discipline required for the responsibilities and stressors that come with witchcraft and ceremonies. This is not to infantilize young adults, but a warning that there is great responsibility and consequences that come with engaging in magickal principles.
Physical Abuse. There are some covens that are into BDSM and corporal punishment for members who do not follow the rules. Again, all members must consent. If there is someone that does not consent, they must either leave, or activities must be changed. If this is not the case, then this coven is more about control than enjoyment and worship.
Mental and Emotional Abuse. This one is much harder to pin, as a good manipulator can make things that are abusive seem normal, and even like love. This is probably the most used tactic. If you have bad self-esteem, trauma, or are currently in an abusive relationship – you are an easy target. For example, the Priest/ess may seem to be empowering you through encouragement by standing up to your abuser, or targeting a specific perceived flaw, but it’s actually an isolation and shame technique used for control. One specific example is if you are overweight they may encourage you to exercise and eat healthier – but will want to control every part of your life that they perceive as “not being healthy”; this may include time on the internet, the type of food you eat, if you drink or smoke, etc. They will nitpick and shame you into doing what they want – it’s not about helping you, it’s about controlling you. You will find that there are many narcissists that claim to be spiritual leaders or prophets. These people will usually tell you exactly how to live in order to “be like them”. This is a fallacy. There are rules in magick and science – but that is not the same as being only vegan, wearing specific colors to represent the coven (it should not be a gang), or behaving certain ways to people that are not members in the coven. Watch out for people that pretend to build you up, and then try to cut you back down – they are trying to reinforce bad self-esteem for control.
Many coven leaders will look for people with trauma, because it is easier to control someone who is already programmed with guilt and shame. They only have to redirect the programming to their personal agenda.
Induced Memory Trauma. This ties into the previous red flags. If you have loss of memory, especially if you have physical marks, this is a sign that something was done without consent. You should remember every ritual with your coven mates. If you don’t, then they should be open with what happened. Even during possession, I remember what happens in my rituals, because I am not experiencing severe enough trauma to have my mind protect itself.
Keeping Harmful Secrets. This can include everything from illegal activities, to abuses that you are forced to endure – or commit – from your family and friends. Many times spiritual leaders will convince you to “cut toxic ties” with family and friends, but then want to reinforce those same types of ties with you. Again, this is about control.
Blackmail. Another form of control, is after getting you to participate – willingly or not – in an activity, then threaten to tell your spouse, family, friends, or place of work if you don’t do what the coven/clergy want you to do. This is usually after being forced into abusive acts like sex (including oral sex), or after witnessing them hurting other people. Because as a member you may have been targeted for your trauma, they know your weakness. They may threaten to tell your spouse, family, boss, or law enforcement about the activities that you were coerced into participating in – reinforcing fear with guilt and shame. If this happens, you need to tell someone you trust. This usually means that you are not the only victim, and that most likely someone else is also being held ‘hostage’. This is illegal and can eventually bring you grief if you do not report it.
Coercion. This one it tricky, because people who are good at manipulation can make it seem like it was your idea originally, or shame you into doing what they want so you won’t tell. This includes people who gaslight you; this is where a person says what you experienced is not real or didn’t happen. They lay the blame squarely on you after the event is done – even though they suggest it and use ‘reasoning’ to get you to participate. It is your responsibility to recognize this and say, NO! You do not have to participate in anything you don’t feel comfortable with, even it if is legal. If a coven practices being skyclad, for example, they should recognize and not accept members that are not comfortable with nudity. If this type of coven tries to convince another a person that it is okay – and that person is clearly uncomfortable – then it is an abusive situation.
False Empowerment and Gifts. This may also be hard to identify, but it may include compliments, gifts, and other signs of love-bombing – intense actions that show romantic or friendly interest. It may start out as compliments; something simple such as having powerful intellect or beauty. For those with low self esteem, it may be the person is pretending to be supportive. The least skillful abuser will skip these steps and go into the grandiose compliments; though these tactics are usually reserved until a person trusts the occult/coven leader. These can be tales of how a person is an important soul, maybe the most important in the world or in the coven — next to the leader/clergy. Or they may tell a person that they possesses great skills and knowledge, but can only unlock it if the person works and follows the rules of the High Priest/ess. The target may be told that the gods have given them more gifts than other human the leader/clergy have ever met. The leader may even try to manipulate a target by trying to tell the person what they have ‘seen’ in the target’s past lives, and try to impress them that way. The point of false empowerment is to get a person to believe they’re special – but only with the help of the High Priest/ess. They hope that the person they target will feel indebted, and will do anything to stay in good graces.
Another example is the leader/clergy may do a ritual or group meeting to ‘call’ people to ‘arms’, or to ‘hear the calling of a deity’. Some groups call these a Calling, Culling, Truth, or Trust rituals – they are actually compulsion rituals. These compulsion rituals are designed to make you feel like you have a special calling, and are used to coerce a participant to divulge information in the form of “trust”. The information asked is usually a secret that can be used against you. Do not give out any information during these types of rituals, especially if you know your magick name, your Heka/True Name, deity/guide/HGA’s name, or magical knowledge. And absolutely do not reveal any sensitive information on yourself or others, especially of a legal nature.
This type of abuse usually includes a building up and tearing down the person’s perception of themselves many times, until the target is in a malleable state. Remember, if the compliments or what a person says is too good to be true, it most likely is – and they want something from you.
Narcissism. One thing that becomes apparent if you have ever joined a forum or group online, is that many people with minimal success have an over-inflated sense of grandeur. That’s not a problem, until it is used to make themselves feel better than others; or they try to coerce others into doing their bidding because they feel they are the Master over others. This can be a problem with groups that have established hierarchies, because many magick systems depend on the belief that the clergy is the physical representation of a deity. Unfortunately, some people abuse this authority and use it to further personal goals versus helping the group. You can spot these types because they will always talk about their great accomplishments out of context, or bring up their astounding accomplishments their self without prompting. There is a difference when engaging in conversation and teaching versus bragging about how powerful a person is. They may also brag about accomplishments and events that you can easily find out never happened. I had one person brag about being in a gang, prison, and going to a distinguished university – all easily checked through public law enforcement records, state repository, and by looking up public alumni records through the quoted university’s site.
These type of people will also expect you to be grateful for whatever scraps you are handed in knowledge – and usually have a “secret” but won’t ever divulge it. They just keep you hooked so you’ll do whatever they want. If you are being treated as a servant, and asked to do unreasonable tasks, this can be another sign.
You may also be asked to swear an oath to the Priest/ess to specifically put them before all else. Sometimes they are more sneaky and have you swear to the coven, but remind you that they are the leader of the group and as such decide what is proper to ask of coven members.
They may ask you to hurt someone or do illegal activities on their behalf, so they have deniability. Narcissists will not claim responsibility for their actions and may even try to play the victim, making up stories about those they feel ‘offended’ them. They may use abusive language or behavior in front of the people they don’t like, or who aren’t giving into their whims – this is a definite time to excuse yourself and leave immediately. You may come across someone that tells you a lot of sob stories without a resolution – this doesn’t include if the tale ends in they learned a lesson or admitting the issue was resolved or their own fault. Many people who are narcissists, or have other mental disorders, inflate their ego and tales regarding their life. Be aware, they if they have unresolved issues, they may be looking for others to do magick or physical actions on their behalf to resolve what they see as problem – do not get involved.
If a person is always stirring up drama between people, asking favors that are not reasonable (such as demanding wine at 3 AM for a ‘surprise lesson’ ), tries to coerce people into doing dangerous or illegal activities for their pleasure or ego, is petty and hurts others without cause (especially if they feel threatening children or innocents is okay in order to get back at a person who loves the innocent), enjoys inflicting pain or holding power over others, and exhibits other disturbing traits, then you are most likely dealing with a narcissist. Sometimes even being an acquaintance to these type of people may cause you trouble and grief, so I suggest completely cutting ties with these types of people.
Illegal Activities. There are several things that can get you in trouble with the law, and may include such consequences as prison and fines. Other than some of the things already listed, here are a few other activities that may get you in legal trouble: harassment, stalking, using illegal drugs, transporting illegal drugs, giving underaged children drugs including alcohol, stealing, graffiti, sacrificing animals under illegal circumstances (look up your local ordinances regarding legal ways of killing and disposing animals), poaching, harvesting protected plant life (check your state/country laws to see what you may pick, some plants carry heavy fines), etc.
Villians and Magickal Warfare. Some covens and temples have created witch wars against other covens, or even one specific person. This is a large sign to disengage and never speak to anyone in that group. These people will be bent on the destruction of anyone they perceive as an enemy. You will find that most ‘enemies’ are someone, or a group, that has dirt on the leader or coven members — or that someone in the coven has wronged but doesn’t want to take responsibility for restitution. This is probably one of the easiest red flags to identify in a group. Basically, if a group is about cursing and destroying anyone (or any being) before resolution, they are going to bring trouble into your life.
Note: It is okay to recognize some of these traits in yourself and decided to change them. That is what shadow work is for. Many covens with advanced magicians will actually be able to identify self-defeating and toxic traits, and help you with any shadow work needed. We all have traits that are undesirable, and it is our responsibility to change.
Rules for a Healthy Coven
Consent. I cannot stress this enough. If you are not completely comfortable doing something, DO NOT DO IT! A true coven will never force you to do things you don’t want to, and will be choosy about who they let in. A coven is a covenant between all members to respect each other while safely practicing their beliefs. If you are into BDSM, sexual activities, and are good with being nude – great! But do not expect everyone else to be at the same level of comfort for these activities.
Empowerment and Spiritual Growth. A true leader knows that those under them have potential to become as they are, and even exceed them! A true leader, or teacher, will have your best interests in mind. They may encourage you, but will not force or coerce you into something you don’t want to do. There is a difference in helping a person to gain confidence and courage versus telling them there is only one way to do things. For example, if you are in an abusive situation, a true leader may suggest that you find a way to get a place to stay, or get help to leave the situation. They may even have members help house you, or make sure you are fed – your safety and comfort will be a priority. They will not encourage you to aggressively engage with your abuser to ‘show your power’, or encourage you to keep quite and stay because you don’t have the finances to be on your own. It is about uplifting a person, not telling them what to do – and a good leader will not put a person in danger for an ego boost.
Integrity and Respect. A good coven, or spiritual group, will respect your boundaries and tries to create a feeling of solidarity where everyone is calm and comfortable. They will be accepting of who you are in the moment – not your perceived potential. They will understand that everyone comes into their own power at their own time, and will encourage mixing in mundane activities instead of focusing only on the spiritual (this is a great way to stay grounded).
This also includes everyone keeping their oaths, and showing respect for all members.
Keeping Promises and Oaths. This is very important, because many people scam others by not delivering promises – especially for services already paid for in cash. Sometimes there is a donation or charge for initiations and rituals before hand because the items used for the participants is expensive. This is acceptable, as long as the ritual is carried out as promised. However, if a teacher charges for lessons in advance, but keeps canceling, then this is breaking an oath. This also includes if someone in the coven promises to do something, regardless if a reward or exchange is expected, but does not fulfill their pledged duty. If people cannot keep their promises, then it can cause drama in a coven.
Exceptions are if you are sick, but then make arrangements in advance. For those who are chronically ill, don’t make a promise you can’t keep – say you will do it if you feel well enough, and only accept payment at the time of service. This allows for you to keep your promises and dampen any accusations within a coven.
Through experience and time you will find that there are other red and green flags regarding relationships with a coven or temple. The main rule to remember is that if you feel uncomfortable, then don’t do it.
Stay safe, and Hail Self!
Arachnia Stoneskull
Photo Credit: “The Witches’ Sabbat (The Great He-Goat)” by Francisco Goya
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